PrussiaXReader Hallucinations

In coming back from the procession, I started the night as I always had for the past two years: with a beer. I pulled two of them from the fridge: one for me and another for Gilbert. It was his favorite kind. I always made sure to buy it. It had been his favorite.

Ripping the black veil from my head, I hit the play button on my answering machine and sat down at the stack of mail I had neglected for the past month. I chugged a good portion of the beer and flipped through the various post cards and letters.

"Sorry for your loss. Sorry to hear the news. You can talk to me- Damn it!" I screamed. They were all the same. Damn fools. Out of frustration, I stuffed the letters into the trash can and sat back down chugging the rest of the beer. Ludwig's voice over the answering machine droned on in the background while the rest of the house remained silent.

'I'm worried about you. If you don't call me back, I'm coming over. Pick up the phone verdammt!' Ludwig's message sounded lightly in the back of my head but didn't register. I grabbed another beer and started on it as I wandered through the quiet house.

In the backyard was Gilbert's mechanics shack. It was full of tools and twisted metal, all surrounding a table covered in blueprints and paper that I couldn't understand. I sat in this chair and flipped through a stack of pictures he had kept in a case under the table. I stared at one in particular for who knows how long. My second beer quickly ran out and I then returned to the kitchen for another to replace the empty can in my hand.

I placed the picture on the counter while I downed my third, and eventually fourth and fifth, beer. Haphazardly, I dropped the cans on the floor, not caring at this point and stumbled out the door and down the street until I managed to flag down a taxi. I told the man to drive me to the same club that was depicted in that picture. The picture now sat next to Gilbert's beer that had been left untouched on my kitchen counter.

"He liked to bring me here. He said it was the best beer in the city." I murmured to myself as the cab pulled up next to the club. I struggled to exit the cab without falling on the pavement. Already, a little drunk, the club's loud music and flashing lights were a welcome sight. I found the bar and started my tab with a few shots of vodka.

'He loved to bring me here. Best beer in the world was what he'd said.' I thought correcting myself and laughing. 'Gilbert was always straight forward like that. Always talking shit but he never means it. He just couldn't control his emotions is all' I finally realized that I had in fact been talking aloud but no one was listening so it made no difference.

I continued mumbling to myself anyway, trying to justify why Gilbert had gotten involved in that drag race. 'Thas why he did it. They pissed him off. O course he had to join in on the race. He had to prove hisself.' Another couple of shots. The strong alcohol burned the back of my throat and started tweaking at my memory and common sense. That's what I was hoping for.

I left the empty vodka shots and joined in amidst the solid mass of people that occupied the dance floor. I was knocked around a few times before I could find some space to breathe. As planned, the day's events turned hazy. I remembered the hundreds dressed in black. I remembered the coffin. Ludwig and I were at the front being his closest family.

'But that couldn't have been Gilbert' I reassured myself. 'Gilbert wasn't that stupid. Ludwig was wrong. Gilbert is probably in the hospital. Maybe he's been released and is coming to meet me here.'

As if on cue the shadow of a white haired albino man was dancing with me. It was him. It was my Gilbert. The shadow grinned the prideful grin I knew him to wear. It held my hand in his and even though my hand touched only dry air, my mind convinced myself that he was real; that Gilbert was here with me.

The shadow of the man I loved danced with me, just as he always had, that night. Alcohol burned through my system at an alarming rate but as long as Gilbert was here I was fine. He protected me and cared for me after college and then supported me when I stumbled through life. Gilbert was always there with a laugh or a smile or just a comforting arm.

His shadow grabbed my face in his hands. My skin felt nothing but again, the alcohol convinced my mind that he was here standing in front of me. My ears didn't hear the shadow speak, but my head spelled out the shadow's words for me. 

'Cheer up. No worries. I am here after all' I laughed and continued to dance around in a drunken haze. The neon lights were flashing and at times my vision would turn completely black for a moment before the reality of the club would come rushing back and I would keep dancing with Gilbert's shadow. I had convinced myself that he was here.

'He is here. Gilbert's alive. Of course he is.' I told myself. 'That was someone else's blood all over his truck. Not my Gilbert's.' His shadow kept dancing next to me with his famous grin. Those red eyes. I could hear his laughter. No one else heard it, but I did. I was the only one who knew Gilbert wasn't in that crash. Ludwig didn't think so. Neither did Francis or Antonio.

"They're damn fools." I said laughing. Gilbert's shadow laughed along with me. It's lips moved as if talking but no sound came out. I imagined what they would have sounded like coming from Gilbert's mouth and in my foggy mind they were real.

Someone screamed my name from across the club but I didn't turn to see who it was. It sounded like Gilbert but at the same time different. It was the same accent and the same way of speaking but it wasn't Gilbert. It wasn't the same Gilbert who was laughing and holding me hand in hand right now.

A firm hand suddenly grabbed my wrist and proceeded to pull me from the club though. I frantically tried to pull away from the man and reached for Gilbert's shadow. It didn't seem to notice me being pulled away and just continued to dance.

I looked up briefly at the man dragging me farther and farther from Gilbert with blurry and bloodshot eyes. Everything was out of focus and his features varied from detailed to blurred due to the alcohol. The only thing I could pick out was his blond hair and then those blue eyes with dark circles under them as if he hadn't slept for a week.

I continued to struggle but could barely manage to stay on my feet as he picked up speed obviously in a hurry to leave. Looking back, I could no longer see any trace of Gilbert's shadow. It was gone from the crowded building. Gilbert had never even been there that night.

At that point I started to realize that Gilbert was in fact gone. So in a desperate attempt I grabbed a glass of who knows what from a table as the man pulled me from the club. The alcohol burned my throat as it went down but it didn't bring back the hallucinations of Gilbert. I screamed his name and struggled to break free of the man's grip but it was no use and Gilbert wasn't coming.

He pulled me out into the cold air. It was pitch black except for the club's neon lights and the headlights of the man's car that sat running on the curb. I cried out Gilbert's name again and realized that I was crying. That was when the man finally snapped and yelled at me to shut up.

As he turned around I could finally see through my drunken haze long enough to see the tears also going down his face. It was only Ludwig. He still gripped my wrist while his other hand traced through his hair, obviously very stressed.

I went silent and mentally retracted into myself.

'It's okay because Gilbert's back at the house, probably sitting in his shed working on his latest project.' I convinced myself. It only held momentary comfort though until Ludwig's voice pushed past the alcohol in my brain.

"Gilbert's dead! _______ he's gone! No amount of alcohol is going to fix it verdammt! You're only making it worse for yourself."

I knew he was right. I had seen Gilbert's car crumple around an oncoming car. They said it was a blow to the head. It was instant. But I just couldn't accept it. That confident grin couldn't be gone. It just couldn't.

Ludwig held me when I started to sob. He knew how much I loved his brother. He knew I had been there the night Gilbert had entered that drag race and been t-boned by another car through an intersection.

"He loved you _______. He said he was going to make your life the best in the world. That was his goal. Don't go and crush it now."

I just cried and cried, finally admitting to myself that he was dead.  Over Ludwig's shoulder I saw for the last time Gilbert's shadow as it walked down the street. It turned and waved only once before it disappeared into the night air. I would never see it again.

"Goodbye Gilbert"